his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
