If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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