Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize