Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
