Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
