I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you traded sex for a burrito?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
