whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
