just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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