My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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