I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
being pregnant is like rehab
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
