my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
