connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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