i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
