Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
