i barfeds in our rink
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
