Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
