Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
