I wanna bring you to show and tell
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
