my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
