i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dicks are not precious.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
