You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
