Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
