and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
