I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
