I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
