That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
