I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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