my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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