the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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