if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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