420 ftw
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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