I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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