We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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