I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
