uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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