There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
