if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
