I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
