she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
