A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize