I think I won the penis lottery.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
