He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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