i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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