My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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