do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
