Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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