Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
