Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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