She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize