My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
