I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
