Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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