I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
