Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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