how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
