oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
