The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Randomize
