M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
