I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize