my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
